I have alluded previously that I am horrendous at making decisions as I cannot rely on my own brain.
I get caught up in fantasy, choose to see things the way I want to see them, a defence mechanism built up over many years of being hurt. Reality is usually too painful to acknowledge, so a retreat into a version of life where things are not as bad is an easy thing to slip into, and for the most part does no harm, it just makes things easier to deal with.
Unfortunately the down side of this is when reality comes crashing in and collides with the fairy tale life I am weaving for myself.
It is better to live in reality. I wish I could. But it hurts too much. The despair, the pain, the realisation, is too much. Perhaps, however, a source of this pain comes from the juxtaposition I create, in having a fairy tale life in the first place, by having hope and reaching for it. Perhaps if I embrace full pessimism, accept that my chance of happiness is not going to happen, I can live in reality. It might be depressing and it might change who I am, but maybe it would be the best option. In order to do this though, I would have to stop giving a shit about anything. And that is hard. Giving a shit gives us a reason to live. It gives us the passion to do things, to make the right choices, to act with honour and integrity, to move forward as a person. Is it fair on other people if I stop giving a shit?
I am fed up with the words from others that perpetuate the fantasy, but the actions that tear it down.
I am fed up of catching myself believing those words, only to find myself a fool again. Perhaps this is one life lesson I will never learn. Perhaps I will always be naive when it comes to the things I desire, because I want so much to believe it. So perhaps the only option is to believe nothing. To live in nothing.
Most of all I am fed up of living in my brain. If I stop giving a shit, will the thoughts finally stop? Or even if they don’t stop, will I at least be able to dismiss them because I don’t give a shit anymore? What would living a life like that be like? How would it affect those around me?
Recently, I have started recovering what is left of myself. I had been a shell for so long, and all I wanted was to regain what I used to be. This has been slowly beginning to happen, but if I chose to live a life of reality, I would be kissing that person goodbye once and for all. If I chose this path I would be essentially killing her and letting someone else walk away and live my life out. Is it fair to her? Or is it a mercy killing?
Can someone please make the decision for me. Just make sure it’s the right one please.
Am I A Grown Up Yet? 